Because...

Whoever we are, 

We hold in our hearts,

The memories of the times we have lived and loved.

Today is more meaningful.

For it is built on who we were, where we have been,

And the paths we have traveled.

- George Betts

Mind Games

I am starting to have doubts for mankind.

Why do people like mind games?
Why is it so hard to be honest and upfront?

Being honest does not hurt anyone. In fact, it gives the other person a fair ground to stand on. That person can then decide to give more with eyes wide open. Or leave.

Stringing someone along is the hurtful thing. You cheat, you lie, you tell more lies to cover the initial lie. 

One more week to 33

Another milestone. Turning 33, that is. 

Looking back, I have been blessed for the past year. Truly blessed.

Not like I have gone all the way up the career ladder or bought a house or anything huge. But I have found love and support amongst friends. Old friends, new found friends...they have all been too kind to me for the past year.

On my 32nd birthday, that was a turning point in my life.
I celebrated the end of a bad marriage, walking out of depression, learning how to be a single mum, clearing up the mountain of debts and managing all kinds of shit.

The past year was spent on re-building the career I had let slipped, working on friendships, learning to love myself, watching Jay grow up into Mr-Smart-Pants, learning that Life can be beautiful if I live it right.....
I have come quite far, I feel. 

Turning 33 in a week....I wonder how my life will pan out from here.
There are so many things I want to do, dreams I want to fulfill, people I want to be with, places I want to go....will I be able to do them all?

Guts, don't disappear

I have an issue.

I crave for a perfect (perfect admisdt imperfections) life. 
I want to be loved.
I want to wake up smiling to the silly love text messages I see on my phone every morning.
I want to laugh and have someone laugh with me all the time.
I want someone to share my worries, my fears, my challenges.

And it seems like that someone has appeared.
But it seems so surreal. We hardly have time to see each other.
I crave for physical touch. I need quality time. I need attention.
As much as I love the "I love yous" and "You are amazings", I need someone with a human touch. Sometimes, it feels like I am texting and thinking about my imaginary friend.

What is wrong here? Is it me or is it that person?

Sometimes, just sometimes, I remember how I am always scared when something is too perfect. Like....when something is too good to be true, it usually is not true.

Zsa Zsa Zsu

Zsa Zsa Zsu....

So many butterflies. And sparks. And fireworks. Boom...boom....boom!!!

Lovely butterfly feelings when you just want to be with someone. 

Haven't felt like this in years. Happiness much! Sweetness overdosed!

Gimme me more. Me love it! 

 

I still Believe that My One is out there somewhere

I think, at our cores, no matter how jaded and cynical and bitter and burned we might claim to be - we're optimists.

We like to believe in love and happily ever after, and we like to believe that something is out there waiting for us. And so that is why we hold onto the could have beens, and all of the futures we painted in our heads but were never brave enough to admit.

It's hard to reconcile the fact that maybe, deep down, the way to get what we wanted was just to have The Talk with the other person before the cut-and-run. 

And that's on us, and will ever be.  

Sorry, I am not a Saint

I am tired. Very tired of trying to live up to expectations.

I am on the verge of breaking. Almost there.

Just because I had fell and stood up before, it does not mean I can stand up everytime I fall. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I am just too tired. Sometimes I just simply have no more strength to do so.

I also want to be like an ungrateful brat and just fuck care everyone's expectations.

Keeping quiet does not mean I do not know anything or can't feel anything. But because sometimes some friendships are so important to me that I can give up anything and everything for that one friend. 

Because I don't say what I did and so people assume I am a heartless and naive person. Unfortunately, I am not. I love a perfect world more than anything.

My Sorry is not for anything that I have done. I have done nothing wrong so far. Yes, I forgot dates and if there are no constant reminders, everything slips my mind. My Sorry is - if you think that I am a Saint and will be Miss Forever-Nice - sorry, but I am going to have disappoint you cos I ain't no Saint.

Two Different Worlds

I like falling in love. I like dating. I like the courtship period.

Because this is when I get treated like the Queen. This is when someone gives in to me all the time. This is when someone says yes to my every request. This is when I get pampered. This is when I get spoiled. This is when I feel loved.

I am a true blue Libran. I am needy when I date exclusively. I need to feel loved. I need all the attention on me. Librans are happiest when they are in a relationship and I don't deny it. I love to be part of a group or partnership. The ground I walk on need not be worshiped but the insecure me needs lots of assurance.

And so, my bestties warned me that if someone cannot give in to my tantrums now that we are only in the courtship stage, it will be worse moving forward.

I think it makes sense too.

I guess some people are just from two different ends of the world.
We are just passer-bys in each other's lives and that is it.

One day, I will find someone who speaks my love language. That someone who will give me what I want and what I need.

Till then, bye to you from the other world. You were perfect for a few days. And I was blessed those few days. But reality has sank in. You can't do more. And neither will I settle for less.

Crazy and Dangerous? Nah.

I am too wild and crazy? Nah.

I just don't want to live a safe and predictable life anymore.
I decided that if I am going to live my life for another ten years, I want to be able to talk about how exciting and interesting my life is when I am taking my last few breaths. I am now living on the edge, living a life dangerous and what some may call exciting.

See, some people decide to throw all caution to the wind not because they have gone mad. But because they are sick of giving their all but yet get nothing back except for heartbreak after heartbreak. Me too. Am tired and I admit, I am afraid of giving out a part of myself that could either be reciprocated or destroyed.

24 hours is all one needs.

To go from being adored, to being convinced this is it, to become one of two, to go from being scared to trying, to go from happy to exhilarated, to go from excited to realizing everything was not real.

This is the crazy thing call Life. Which makes my choice of Life looks normal now, no?