I wish I can stab you. Seriously.

I feel like getting a tattoo. A fighting fish tattoo that I have been yearning for a long, long time.

Things haven't been well lately. And please, for fuck's sake, stop asking if I am okay. I am not. And seriously, is "I AM NOT okay" the answer you want to hear? If not, shut the fuck up and fuck off.

Just when the first argument ended and things are looking up, another bomb had to drop. Friend or foe, I wonder what you are exactly.

If you are a friend, till now, I am still very curious why you are withholding your identity. Why do you want to see your friend hurt if you are truly a friend? Don't tell me that you are afraid that when we meet up in future, we will feel awkward. This is an excuse, not a reason. Nothing is more awkward than this hoo-ha you have created. I hope you are happy.

If you are a foe or psycho bitch, I hope you will burn in hell. Your kids will be born with no assholes and they will choke on fishballs and sotong balls. If you have a son, he will have erectile dysfunction, so bad that he cannot even have a hard-on to PCC. If you have a daughter, she will have no womb. Not only can she never have children, she can forget about having sex. Btw, I will keep on sending porn stuff to your children just to see them suffer.

As for you, I hope you will fall into god-damn holes you come across, have flower pots drop on your head, cars e-braking at you (so you will have many heart attacks) and get cheated on by all your partners. If you think this is a funny prank, let me tell you - this is a fucking sick joke. If you are that free, maybe you should spend more time thinking on how you can contribute to this society instead of doing retarded stuff like that. Oh, but wait, you don't have much brains, do you? How to think like that? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Sorry all, especially those of you who are students - this probably all sound very crude but I am super pissed off now. I could have print screen the email I received from someone claiming to be my friend and stick it all onto my blog but for now, I am holding that back because of some reasons, which I will tell when time is right.

PS : Over the years, I realize I have a very foul mouth. Once, over an argument, I told my friend that I hope his dad will die and sure enough, he died in his sleep shortly after. To another friend, I told him I hope his mum will kena kidney disease so that they can all suffer and true enough, that happened. This is one of the reasons why I choose to swear at people with the most unkind words than curse them because my curses do come true. So, whoever you are, I am not taking these back. In fact, I wish you the best of luck.

FML. Seriously.

Just when everything was going well and just when we thought our plans are going nicely without any hitchbacks, shit happened.

The worst kind of shit. Words against words.

No one to have anyone's back. We can only hope for a miracle of sorts.

Dear God, please make me disappear this very minute. Amen

Little doses of joy!

Ray said to me last night :

I have found the right one for me.

*grinz*

He said that while he was playing DOTA.

So I am not sure if it's for real.

But it still makes me happy.

Happiness.

^_^

What is it exactly - trust or assurance?

Because we are human and we all need that little bit of reassurance from time to time so sometimes we ask questions that we know the answer to.

Do we not trust or is it because our confidence was shaken and thus we do things this way? What is it we sought? An answer? An assurance? A change of all things that were perfect till this hour?

A lack of trust is going through someone's stuff and believing your own assumptions. No need for an explanation for you have been judged.

An assurance is respecting someone enough not to dig through their secrets but asking for the answer that we are hoping to hear.

A perfect scene to go wrong - who the fuck will wish for that? However, it happens all the time. Things change eventually and people start to not trust each other.....and where do we go from there? How do we move on from there when one feels that he needs to guard against the other while the other can only feel helpless for she reacted in the fear of karma?

Shakespeare wrote :

For aught that I could ever read

Could ever hear by tale or history

The course of true love never did run smooth.

And yet, to say the truth,

Reason and love keep little company together nowadays.

We have all came a long way from Shakespeare's time. But why do the words the mister say all sound so true? I thought I am gung-ho enough to challenge him but it looks like he wins eventually. Can we take what the other say at face value and understand? Or do we hear what the other say, yet put up a wall and block the other person off?

Maybe I am a hardcore romantic and I always make the mistake of tearing my walls down again and again. Maybe sometimes I lose the bit of confidence that I have accumulated over time. Maybe sometimes I ask silly questions I don't need to. But I am, after all human - a human with feelings. A human who sometimes keeps her troubles to herself because I don't want to upset the person I love. A human who sometimes feel lost. A human who sometimes needs just a hug and someone to say everything is okay even though I am clear I am fucked right now.

However, by now, I realized.....things don't always happen the way they should or the way I think they should. I am scared, I am. I voiced out my insecurities and placed myself at a vulnerable position. At the end of the day, I may have to go through what I hate to go through. But, who can I blame but myself? I kept the walls up for a good nine months. I let them down myself cos I thought things would be different. I had too much confidence. And now....I only have myself to blame.

Hello, Corporate World!

When I first took a break two months ago, I thought I will have a lot of fun doing nothing. Well, it was to be a month's break which became two. But anyway.......

The first week was pretty fun, I woke up about 10am every morning, log onto Facebook and Twitter, took my time with the news, slowly make coffee, watch movies online and wait for the man to come home then talk about how I do nothing for the day. (heh...)

The second and third week, I started waking up later about noon time. I am still doing the "usual" stuff except I kinda miss the hustle and bustle I get in a corporate environment.

After a month of "rest", I was quite gone. I wake up at 2pm on most days. Scan through the news online in under fifteen minutes mostly. Tweet once every three days. But Facebook and play Cafe World every fucking minute. And this was when I started feeling that life is meaningless and I wondered what is the purpose of my existence...?

When the second week of November came and went, I couldn't take it anymore and headed to recruitment agencies to look for temp jobs. It came to the point that I asked Ray to get me something to do. Yah, I was feeling restless. On a typical day, I spend half the day in bed, half of my waking hours wondering what is my goal in life and the other half of my waking hours doing god-knows-what.

For the record, I am not a useless bum who is bumming around jobless. I have been signed on to a multi-national PR company and have secured a managerial position. However, based on the contract, I only start on 05 Jan 2010. On one hand, I am happy that I have accomplished this part of my career goals before the targeted age of thirty. But on the other hand, I am feeling lost with the fact that I am doing NOTHING. Yes, absolutely NOTHING. Geez.

I remembering complaining a lot while I was still in the corporate world. My laptop comes with me on every trip - business or leisure. My mobile needs to be on - no matter which part of the world I am in. Phone calls need to be picked up even at 3am cos it could be work calls. Crazy working hours till the wee hours during certain crazy periods. The pressure of performing your best at work even when you are down with a thirty-nine degrees fever.....etc, etc, etc.....

Now, I have a different kind of complaint. I am complaining that I am too free and I have nothing to do. I know some are going to call me crazy and they wish they could do the same but let me tell you - think twice before you join the Bummer Group. I am serious.

So, after two months, I am just happy to find something that is going to fill in the gap till January. And I can't help but look forward to January when I will throw on my work jackets and sashay back into the Corporate World - in style like the girls of SATC, of course. After all, I am the city girl that Cathleen is proud of. Right, Miss Witter? *winks*

Bring on the cheesy Christmas songs!

It's December and it's my favorite time of the year! Because....it's shopping time and it's the Christmas season! And not forgetting the Christmas tree decorating, pressies wrapping, turkey roasting, champers popping.....wooooot!

Not everyone in my family are Christians - half of them are while the other half just join in the fun. But still, we follow the tradition of celebrating Christmas in a big way every year. Every Christmas is celebrated at Grandma's and though her flat is small now and the Christmas tree has now shrunk to 50cm tall only, that feeling of Christmas in the air at her place never feels to make me go gaga.

Christmas - it's the season of joy and giving. This is when everyone comes together to eat and make merry. And not forgetting the gifts exchange. Well, I was probably more interested in the presents when I was a kid because in the recent years, I find myself hugging the wine bottles more.

And this is probably going to sound cheesy but I really love the Christmas carols. True that there is usually an OD of it everywhere because every corner you turn, you hear some shop blasting Christmas carols. But don't you think Christmas carols makes your heart tinkles a bit? And you just feel like skipping a little as you walk?

This year is going to be a bit more special because someone is going to come along and join in the fun. Meet the family session cum Christmas party. Muahahahaha! Well, this is the first time I am bringing someone to my family's Christmas party and I am a little nervous everytime I think about how they will take to Ray. But I am sure it will all turn out fine, isn't it? After all, everyone is happy when it's the season of Joy. No? Well, when all else fails, bring on the alcohol. Lots of it. Woooohooooo!

So, as I finish off here to go complete my Christmas shopping list, I am going to leave behind a MV of my all-time Christmas song. Enjoy!