Last day of the year

I lost a lot. And I gained a lot this year.

2012 is probably my life turning year.

• Facing up to the truth that the person I married is not who I thought he is.
• Knowing what and where went wrong and taking responsibility for it.
• Finally found the guts to accept that there were too many lies and cheating in the marriage and I have to move on if I want a better life for myself and Jay. 
• Going through a very painful albeit a very much needed divorce.
• Having the courage to tell everyone now that I am seperated and am now a single mum.
• Having my son in and out of the hospital for a whole week and taking care of him all by myself 95% of the time.
• Gone through terrible depression and losing 10kgs in two weeks.
• Trust in God and the power he has.
• Accepting the fact that God will not give me everything I asked for. But he will give me strength to face everything I need to face.
• Going to church and bringing the little one with me.
• Accepting God into my life on Christmas Day
• Making my son learn what I've learned - the Piano. (Super happy about this)
• Be decisive and stick to my decision.
• And most importantly, after all the shit, I want to be a better person for Jay.

At times, I look back and wonder how and why everything happened the way it  did. Sometimes, I understand and sometimes I don't. 

I'm not sure how everything will turn out from now as being a single mum is really tough. Things that could be managed by two people needs to shouldered by one now.

Scared? I am sometimes. I just tell myself that I have to bite the bullet and strut on. Cos' that's life. The sun didn't and will not stop shining for anyone.

And as a friend puts it : When Life gives you lemons, you make lemonades out of them. Then find a friend whose Life has given them vodka and have a party!

走了，就不要再往回看

人生的路要怎样走，是自己选择的。

决定要走哪一条路时; 要过怎样的人生时，就应该知道这是一条回不去得路。

走了，就不要再往回看。

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - that was what I used to say all the time.
Because I believed that marriage is for life; I believed in to have and to hold, for better or for worse; I believed in to love and cherish till death do us part.

Standing opposite the Family Court yesterday, I turned around and told my best friend "I come here for lunch all the time. I used to feel sad for friends who had to come to court to settle their divorce/separation matters. And now I am standing here, ten mins away from turning up for my appointment in court. I have never dreamt of this day."

It still felt like a dream. It still feels very surreal. Sometimes, I wake up from a series of nightmares and ended up asking myself if my marriage is really over.

What most people do not know is - I am not as strong as everyone thinks.
I am just doing what I am doing everyday; forcing myself into doing a whole lot of things; keeping my days as long and as busy as possible; keeping my nights as short as possible - so that I can not think of anything else.
I haven't and refuse to let myself drop a single drop of tear for more than a month now. Not because I have grieved and it's over. But because I know once I allow myself to falter, I will collapse.

It's tough and sometimes, the future looks bleak.

Friends has asked if there is a chance of turning back. Maybe things will be better. But sadly, no. 
A marriage needs two people to work it out. Simply said, my husband has been saying he wants a divorce. Except that he refuse to say it to me in my face. And not long into the cooling off period, he had gone ahead and cheated. Despite knowing that cheating is my bottom-line.

比外遇更可惡的，是欺騙.
No matter how I asked, he denied that there is another party. Until my best friend and her husband saw them.
Not only was I cheated on, I was lied to. For an insecure person, the trust is not only shaken. It has completely shattered. 

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - truth be told, I have very much lost faith in marriage and love.
Like what another good friend has said : Happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. And unfortunately, there is only one Cinderella and one prince.

And sadly, I am not Cinderella. 

I am still quite blessed

Thank God that/ for....

- I have family and friends that stood by me all this time
- Even friends, ex-colleagues whom I haven't contacted in the longest time stood out to offer support
- New friends who spent time with me while offering new insights into life
- A sensitive son who knows when to be good (and naughty)
- Hypocrites that made me realise that well, in your life, that are bound to be hypocrites that claims to be your friends
- Books to accompany me through some quiet nights
- New recipes to perfect my cooking skills - hah, bring on the lobster thermidors
- Philip Morris for bringing in Marlboros
- And most importantly, thank God for wines.

Now, I need to start thinking of my New Year's resolutions. Where's my wine?

努力

也許我並不是那麼失敗，也許再苦的生活中，還是會有甜美的時刻。
也許甜美的時刻，我不需要等別人給我，我能自己去創造。
也許這世上沒有不可能的事，沒有過不去的關。