我結婚，就是一輩子的事情

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - that was what I used to say all the time.
Because I believed that marriage is for life; I believed in to have and to hold, for better or for worse; I believed in to love and cherish till death do us part.

Standing opposite the Family Court yesterday, I turned around and told my best friend "I come here for lunch all the time. I used to feel sad for friends who had to come to court to settle their divorce/separation matters. And now I am standing here, ten mins away from turning up for my appointment in court. I have never dreamt of this day."

It still felt like a dream. It still feels very surreal. Sometimes, I wake up from a series of nightmares and ended up asking myself if my marriage is really over.

What most people do not know is - I am not as strong as everyone thinks.
I am just doing what I am doing everyday; forcing myself into doing a whole lot of things; keeping my days as long and as busy as possible; keeping my nights as short as possible - so that I can not think of anything else.
I haven't and refuse to let myself drop a single drop of tear for more than a month now. Not because I have grieved and it's over. But because I know once I allow myself to falter, I will collapse.

It's tough and sometimes, the future looks bleak.

Friends has asked if there is a chance of turning back. Maybe things will be better. But sadly, no. 
A marriage needs two people to work it out. Simply said, my husband has been saying he wants a divorce. Except that he refuse to say it to me in my face. And not long into the cooling off period, he had gone ahead and cheated. Despite knowing that cheating is my bottom-line.

比外遇更可惡的，是欺騙.
No matter how I asked, he denied that there is another party. Until my best friend and her husband saw them.
Not only was I cheated on, I was lied to. For an insecure person, the trust is not only shaken. It has completely shattered. 

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - truth be told, I have very much lost faith in marriage and love.
Like what another good friend has said : Happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. And unfortunately, there is only one Cinderella and one prince.

And sadly, I am not Cinderella.